November 2002

Long-Awaited Proof of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack

Adam Maier

Ragunda, Sweden

Frederick Wickstrom had quite the shock when he went to feed his farm stock one early October morning.  The fifty year old wizarding farmer expected to see pigs and goats, instead he found a creature he had never encountered before.

“I’m an avid reader of the Quibbler,” Wickstrom tells the paper.  “So I knew exactly what it was.  I ran back into the house right away to get a picture of it.”

The animal in question is, of course, a crumple-horned snorkack, which has long been thought extinct in its native Sweden.  The photograph, which won Wickstrom the Quib’s award of one thousand galleons for proof of the creature’s existence, clearly shows the snorkack amongst its more mundane cousins, common pigs.

“I fed it mooncalf dung and knuts, just like the paper suggested.  He seemed to like them, so I’m hoping he’ll come back again.”

Muggles Plan on Destroying Earth

Frank Zangari

Diagon Alley, London

“It’s the Chinese Muggles that are planning it,” Anja Nicolescu tells the Quib.  “They plan on all jumping at a certain time in order to throw the Earth out of orbit.”

The Chinese, long-time political rivals of the Muggles in the United States, concocted the plan in order to destroy democracy.  This comes only after previous plans, including the purchase of several American Newspapers and Veletision stations in order to spread unrest, and an apparent attempt to take over Muggle intranet, failed.

For ways to prevent this horrible tragedy, turn to page 6.

Toddler Casts Imperious on Mother

Karen Andersen

Hogsmeade, Scotland

Levon Torosian will be in timeout for a very long time according to Auror Charles Barglie.  Torosian, a mere three years old, was found guilty of casting the Imperious Curse on his mother, Taline.

“It’s worrisome that a toddler could say imperio, much less have the emotion it would take to cast the curse,” Barglie tells the Quib.  “He must be the youngest wizard to ever perform an Unforgivable.”

“Do not send my baby way to those dementors,” Taline Torosian pleads.  “He only wanted candy and toys.  Do not blame him; blame me for not buying them for him.”

Barglie assures the Quib that the troublesome tike will not be sent to Azkaban, though he does not know what the eventual punishment will be.

 

Horoscopes:

Aries March 21st - April 20^th

You don't have a clue what people are on about when they have conversations about plankton residing inside their Grandma's toilet. Romance could be just around the corner in the form of a Romanian wearing a bright green afro wig. Wearing rice pants can work wonders for your energy levels.

Taurus April 21st - May 21^st

You stink of something awful! People who would normally be hovering around you and kissing you are now keeping away. Perhaps you smell of cream crackers. The truth is you must now fill every clock in your home with mandrill cheese. Solving your problems with battery acid is definitely the way forward.

Gemini May 22nd - June 21^st

You should have a good enough reason to thank your lucky stars today. Saturn is impressed with your collection of Madame Trelawny pictures drawn in squid ink and as a result is willing to donate bananas for you to experiment on. This is an excellent start to a new career in Weasel Fighting!

Cancer June 22nd - July 23^rd

Emotions from the past will resurface and set fire to your chin and call you Graham. Take my advice and run away from anything which smells like a cat! Its better for you to start life anew, but you remain discreet and keep your temper, remain diplomatic and protect your gonads from curses.

Leo July 24th - August 22rd

People will be very friendly towards you today. You must accept their gestures of friendship.  Be grateful for such an act and you will no longer need swimming goggles the next time you duel with electric eels.

Virgo August 24th - September 22^nd

Your energy is high and your life is full of lucky breaks and golden opportunities. This is due to a disturbance in the cosmos caused by lobsters. If you wrap your head in foil you can play poker with gerbils. It is wise to speak slowly and clearly when discussing the challenges of monkey fighting.

Libra September 23th - October 23^rd

Your self-esteem is low and you no longer feel like wearing blue hats. Invite yourself to try a new lifestyle which involves washing your toes in vinegar and declaring yourself to be the new Queen of peanut oil. This is extremely beneficial if you own a horse or are thinking of buying a false wax seal for your Dad.

Scorpio October 24th - November 22nd.

Strange as it may seem, you may be subjected to many bizarre challenges. A midget will offer you 20 crates of laxatives in return for flooding the streets with pea soup and mustard. Be grateful and take advantage of the situation as its not often you meet such an established banana.

Sagittarius November 23rd - December 21^st

You need to stay calm and healthy as a few moments of anger could potentially destroy your lust for termites. Buy 100 thermometers and crack them open over a fire. This will secure you enough permission to buy a kilo of cheese rolls and stuff them down your socks. Removing your pants with a wand can be fatal!

Capricorn December 22nd - January 20^th

Indulging yourself with an abundance of cricket bats could make it tricky to drink goats milk in a thunderstorm. Mercury is in alignment with the moon which means your genitals will fall off and start a new life under the ocean. Why not show your appreciation for your family and send a parcel filled with frozen mice to your Uncle.

Aquarius January 21st - February 19^th

Certain members of your family may be using paint thinner instead of soap when they take a shower. This is a direct effect of Venus being aligned with Jupiter and if ignored it could soon make you tie a rope around your leg and beg people for prunes. The presence of buffaloes could be a good sign so put away your wand.

Pisces February 20th - March 20th

There will be times when you feel that those who are closest to you are plotting to send a number of clowns who will try to lure aliens into your home. Do not eat anything which contains the letter G. Its been poisoned by a man who can count to 1034. This doesn't mean you should stop peeing on brick walls.

 

Healing Hands of Hogsmeade
Small, family-oriented clinic conveniently located in Hogsmeade.
Now accepting new clients.
Professional Medi-Witch and Master Potions Maker on staff.
We look forward to taking care of your family!

[Special thanks goes to Jess (BFE) and Celeste, both of whom were called on to give me ideas for articles.]